"When are you getting married?"
It had been about 7 years since the same, now 88 year old great aunt, had asked me that same question.... but this time was very different.
“When are you getting married?” she shouted across the noise of 3 different conversations in the living room of my grandparents house at the 90th birthday party of my Grandad. Strangely enough the small room with about 8 people, a mix of family and visitors, went quiet.
I smiled and replied, “You would need a man or other to be getting married no?”
With a roll of her eyes, she looked at me and dryly replied “Well whatever you’re into yourself but have you not found anyone yet?”
“Listen I know I’m a serious catch, but I just haven’t been caught yet”, I said with a mix of confidence and a sarcastic tone.
What followed was a series of questions about what I was looking for and what I would do if say 'Brad Pitt’ walked into the room. My response sparked something in her “Doesn’t he have a history of cheating? I’m not sure I could forgive even Brad Pitt for that.”
Everyone else was listening and laughing at the way the conversation was playing out. She’s a real character and age hasn’t impacted that. In fact, it’s probably amplified it because this 88 year old is almost as witty and quick to reply as she was 20 years ago. She’s also had 2 husbands/partners. A rare thing in a lady of her age in Ireland.
“Well there’s not many good ones out there anymore” she replied wistfully. “It’s hard to catch a good one these days.”
“Well if you come across a good one for me, keep me in mind and let me know.” And with a wink I left it with her.
This isn’t the first time she has asked me this question and the last time I didn’t have quite the same response. In fact, the last time, it was the complete opposite. I was in my early 30’s and going through a period of dating sporadically and not very intelligently I might add. I was still very much healing from a betrayal. Like a lot of people, I had met this person in my mid to late 20’s and thought it was only going one direction - kids, marriage, the societal norm. Until I found out it was all a lie. Luckily, neither kids nor marriage had happened or I would have been divorced by 30. Because in all honesty, ring or no ring, kids or no kids, I wouldn’t have stayed with someone capable of the depth of betrayal this person committed.
Being in your early 30’s, single, healing and floating kind of aimlessly in the pool of love and life in general, while it seems that everyone from your past and present is either getting engaged or getting married or having kids: it’s a harsh time to navigate. And it was during this time that I randomly bumped into the same great-aunt in the street one day and she asked the exact same question.
“When are you getting married?”. My throat caught, my eyes stung, and I replied with the same response “ I would need a man to be getting married”. Except this time, it wasnt with a smile or any hint of sarcasm. In all honesty, I was afraid of what else she might say or ask. I did not want to have this kind of conversation. The pressure of societal expectation weighed so heavily on me back then. Even though I wasn’t living a standard life at the time, and I have never been someone who followed trends or did things out of expectation, but when you’ve come very close to that target, the impact in the aftermath amplifies those voices of societal norm and expectation.
The weight of that pushed me in the direction of another misguided choice in terms of love which thankfully I also had the sense to walk away from but I know that so many people don’t. They feel so pressured by external pressures, be that family, society, or simply their own desire to settle down and have a family, that they get into and stay in relationships that they would otherwise walk away from.
It’s easy to sit there and say ‘they shouldn’t allow the noise of the ticking biological clock’ to impact their decisions, but unless you’ve been in the situation then you can never understand how it feels. Especially as a woman, you would be surprised by how many people still hold old fashioned views on marriage and the age to have children. (throwback to just over a year ago when an aunt in law casually told her own child that women shouldn’t wait until they were in their 30s to have children)
I’m now 38, comfortable in my position in this world, secure in my own decisions and choices and knowing that I won’t settle ‘just because’. I’m not sure when I crossed the line between feeling the pressure and being absolutely secure in the way my life has panned out but it happened. (Not without a lot of work on the messy middle in-between awkwardness obviously). In all honesty, it’s probably a fairly recent thing. Some might say I’ve gone too far the other way, being too comfortable in the space I hold and the life I live. I do have moments where I wish things were different. Where I wonder how I ended up here and why the right thing hasn’t crossed my path. I’m also not so staunchly invested in my current situation to not be open to an alternative. But the weight of societal norms won’t pressure me into anything. You can want something different and be comfortable in where you are at the same time.
And it feels so great to be able to laugh and joke and be confident in the face of those awkward social questions now. There’s a lot to be said for that.