I met my younger self for coffee....and 3 of me turned up.......

I wasn't prepared for this. My brain is running 90 miles an hour. How could there be 3 of me and yet, come to think of it, how come there are only 3?

I reluctantly agreed to meet my younger self for coffee today….. and 3 of me turned up. We all turned up on time because we don’t like to be late and stood looking at each other for a moment, unsure of whether we were supposed to be there or not but all acknowledging then that we were probably all exactly where we were meant to be in that moment.

But shit, how could there be 3 of me and yet, when I think about it now, how come there are only 3? I feel like I’ve lived a dozen chapters or seasons at least and with each one, a different version of me emerged on the other side. What do I say to each of these girls? Do I warn them of what’s ahead? Do I tell them what to look out for? Do I tell them who to avoid?

Or do I tell them about all the amazing things we do, all the experiences, all the incredible people we meet? Where do I start? How do I explain? Do I even need to explain? I have so many things to say, to tell, to show…. my brain is running at 90 miles an hour with it all and I run the risk of not being able to say anything at all.

Breathe. They’re only girls and women. I can talk to people now without going into a quiet internal meltdown. I know ‘One’ is having the quiet internal meltdown but she is hiding it well. She’ll continue that for a long time yet. I tell them to sit down, it's fine that we’re all here together. Nobody got it wrong. We are all meant to be here. It would be rude to assume that only one of us was more entitled to this rare conversation than the other. We all deserve to be here.

As they look at me with a mix of fear and hope, I tell them not to panic. We still don’t have our shit together in terms of the societal norms but in some ways, we have our shit together more than most others who appear to ‘have it all’ do. It took us a longer time than was necessary, because we like to learn things the hard way apparently but we finally find a way to live life according to the terms we want and life is looking pretty good right now, even if we still don’t quite know what we are doing with our life! We are still teaching, but dabbling in and out of alternatives. Fitness is always calling. We’ve done a lot of courses in different things over the years from sports massage to strength and conditioning, to educational testing. Always learning. That weird urge to write is still very much there and we’re actually getting braver and doing a little bit now. We might eventually write that book we’ve been thinking about for years. But we’re still finding our voice and that’s ok, we’ve got this and we’re moving forward every day.

I look at them now. The youngest me, ‘One’; shy, naive, believing that everyone is good and well intentioned, trying her best to fit into a world that she won’t ever feel like she belongs in. ‘Two’: the end of 20’s me who will experience the biggest and most unimaginable of hurts and deceptions after years of ups and downs and who has no idea that rock bottom is never too far away no matter how well you think you have it figured out. ‘Three’; the almost mid 30’s me who moves home to rural Ireland after a tragedy and thinks it will all magically ‘work out’. Wow, where do I even start?

I want to give them all a big hug. They all have their own path to walk and they’re all looking at me like I might have all the answers. I order a flat white. One is disgusted, the smell of coffee makes her dry heave. She’ll have a tea please, strong with no more than a teaspoon of milk. (Some things never change). Two orders a vanilla latte, she kinda likes coffee now but it has to be laced with milk and a flavour. Three orders a flat white - less milk, more coffee. And I tell them to sit back and relax; even though I know we are all sitting here awkwardly wondering why the universe set this up, but also curious as to why. ‘Everything happens for a reason right?’.

They’re not going to love what I have to say, but life is an adventure and they have to ride the highs and the lows because the one thing I know for sure if that true magic lies outside our comfort zone. The drinks arrive. I take a sip. Here we go.

I tell them that we still love to travel obviously, considering where we’ve met, here in this bustling breakfast cafe in Vancouver Canada. All those little trips we took way back when inspired many an adventure, from that very first solo backpacking adventure to Oz, to living as an expat in 2 different countries, to now sitting in a thronged cafe in Vancouver on our 57th country. Some of the best things we will ever experience come from this love of adventure. Don’t wait for anyone else to be ready to go with you - because you’ll miss out on so much if you do. Some of the best trips you have had are done solo. Embrace it and just fucking do it.

I tell them this part will be hard to hear. But you need to know that when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, there is another level below that. There’s always a bit further you can fall. I don’t want to scare you but don’t worry, we are resilient and we will always find a way out of the deepest and darkest well. No matter how dark it gets though, don’t give up. You are loved by so many people. You are important to so many people. You are worthy of better things. So always look for the light because it is there somewhere. I promise. They look nervous. One has no idea. She thinks she has only witnessed the hurt of other people. She doesn’t realise some of the things that she’s been through will haunt her for another 15 years. Two knows and hopes that there isn’t more to come and sadly Three knows exactly what we’re talking about as she looks at two and holds back the desire to tell her everything.

But I tell them that it is ok to ask for help. It’s ok to allow people to help you. It’s ok to let others do things for you. I know they won’t believe me. I know they will be forced to let others help them but they will let it happen and they will be grateful in their own uncomfortable way when it does. I tell them we’re still not good at this. Hyper-independence is the correct terminology nowadays - not ‘toxic independence’ which is what we’ve called it for many years. They laugh at the phrase! They all know it’s our ‘toxic trait’ but I know it’s our superpower. It will be their superpower too when they need it. The thing that helps them to walk away from people and places that are bad for them. But they need to know that it’s ok to have people to lean on; to talk to; to go to. As uncomfortable as it feels, it is ok.

“How will we know who to trust?" asks Two. I tell them to trust their gut. The right people speak to your gut - they speak to your soul - you will feel it. Don’t question that feeling, trust it. There are some beautiful souls to meet on our path. We will find our people.

I tell them that they will find peace of mind. They will realise over time that their mind works differently. That we see things differently to most people. We feel things differently to most people. We don’t have a diagnosis but years of working with kids who think differently helps us to connect and understand. And we find peace within that eventually and learn how to express ourselves in different ways. We will always have the urge to fight against things that are morally and ethically wrong. On a basic level that means not following fashion trends and always wearing what feels good and comfortable for us. On a different level it means standing up for what’s morally right in work, in sports, in life. Life would be simpler if everyone was just capable of seeing things through the lens of what’s right. But people will disappoint us continually with their inability to see outside their own lens or perspective. But that these disappointments always point us in another direction and more often than not, it works out for the best. The peace of mind will come.

I told them I was off for a run after this - they laughed. In fact, One snorted, she thinks the idea of us running is crazy. No way will she ever go for an actual run. “You run for fun?” she asks disbelievingly. Two can’t believe we still run. She does it but she doesn’t enjoy it. It just happens to be the thing you have to do at the end of a triathlon. Three smiles. She gets it. The freedom to just lace up a pair of shoes and go outside wherever you are and explore on your own two feet. The peace of getting lost with just the sound of your feet and your own breath. We look at the others and both say “Just wait and see what these legs of ours can do”. And she doesn’t even know that we still haven’t found our limit despite continuing to push the boundaries. I turn to her and smile and say “just you wait and see what else we can do!”

Before I go, I ask “Is there anything you want to ask?” They all look at each nervously and say “but what about love?” I stall. The million dollar question. I take a deep breath in and say…. We are ‘lucky’ enough to experience all kinds of love over the years, big love, obsessive, unrequited, friendship, playful, bold, necessary, healing, grateful, family, self love and more. You will feel all of them, the good, the bad and at times the pure ugly depths that come with it too. Love is more than just a feeling. You won’t always want to let any of those types of love in but it will find a way whether you want it or not. And for a while you might wonder if you can ever feel it again. But the smallest of hands will touch your heart and remind you that you can feel again and to open yourself to letting it in again. The universe works in ways we don’t understand so have faith, that what’s for you will find you. Don’t be afraid to let it in when it comes. You are worthy of the best of it.

With every season, the struggles and joys, the highs and lows, the wins and losses, we come out the other side. We have lived a life with many stories, with many chapters, with more experiences than most ‘normal’ people have. And most ‘normal’ people won’t understand you and that is absolutely more than ok. Peace of mind comes when you embrace the life you are meant to live even though, and especially if, it exists outside of the the ‘norm’.

Now it’s time for me to run. I say ‘Goodbye, don’t forget to be brave’. There’s a big world out there to explore and more stories to create. And with that, I check my laces are tied, pull on my visor and head out the door to explore.