'But it's just one race'

The choice to race or not was obvious from that first physio session, but the decision not to took another 7 days. Because I didn’t ‘have to’ do this event, I ‘wanted to’.

‘It’s just a run’.

It’s just one run. It’s just one event. It’s just…… Yes I hear you. Technically it is just one run and just one day except my brain doesn’t want to listen to you.

I’ve spent the last two weeks sitting on the wall of decision around taking part in an event. (a 50km trail endurance event no less) On one side of the wall is a potential injury that needs further investigation and rehab and on the other side is a definite injury by choosing to do an event of that impact. Bouncing around between both sides, is a mischievous elf of false hope with her little voice of positivity saying things like ‘maybe it’s not that big of a deal’, ‘maybe it just feels weird and it’s not actually an injury’, ‘maybe you can just run it off’. And all the while I’m balancing precariously on the wall like an unbalanced tightrope walker because the obvious choice feels like the hardest choice to make.

It’s a vicious circle. Fitness, running, sport; it’s not just about the event. It’s about why you do it. It’s about why you NEED it. Because it is so much more than the sport, the game, the movement. It is your lifeline; your safe space; your freedom; your silence from the noise.

6 weeks ago, I was having a moment. I found myself spiralling down the rabbit hole of negative and critical thinking. I had signed up for the Wicklow Way Half Marathon; A mountain half marathon with 1000m of elevation over the 21.1km. That’s a hard race. Don’t let anyone tell you a race like that is easy. I signed up weeks earlier but now I really NEEDED this. My brain needed me to push my body through something hard. Something that would take all my focus so that I could break the cycle of thinking. Something that would force me to believe in my own capabilities to deal with hard things. I told a friend the day before “I need to go do this. I need to go do something really physically hard to regulate my brain back to normal”. And I did. And it worked. There is nothing quite like the feeling of being on the edge of ‘can I do this?’ where you can’t think of anything else other than the path in front of you and where your feet will go next, while your heart beats out of your chest and you can feel your breath deep down in your ribs. Where one minute you’re contemplating your life choices for signing up in the first place and the next you’re letting your legs go down the other side of the hill feeling as free as a bird. Welcome to the endurance racing rollercoaster. It’s magic.

I was in a meditation class a few days later where the discussion at the end was about self-regulating, and finding the things you know you can use to make yourself feel better. I jokingly added ‘ I ran a mountain half marathon at the weekend because apparently that’s what I need to do these days to self-regulate’. A guy who was there said ‘But isn’t it great that you know what you need to do to self-regulate’. The reframe.

Yes it’s great. Fitness, movement, and particularly running is what helps me to process and unravel and unwind the knots of life. That said, I’m not sure how many people need to go to the extreme of running ultras and doing long distance triathlons to maintain their equilibrium but yes, it’s great I know this. And most of the time, a simple run is enough to tame the mental beast and clear the noise of the day.

So many of us depend so greatly on the side-effects of sport that it becomes part of our identity. And when you hit a bump in the path like an injury or an illness, where you have to take a step back and sit still, you find yourself unravelling. Who are you without the sport? Who are you without the mental power you acquire from it? Who are you without the physical achievements? And that’s part of the reason that we struggle with injuries and also with sickness. Not following the rehab programs because we feel better and then re-injure again. Not taking enough time to recover from races, from illness, from injuries because we can’t mentally deal with the fear of losing fitness. When this thing that brings us such joy or release or empowerment is threatened, we can easily lose sight of common sense and the simplest choices can seem blurred.

“You are more than a runner. You are more than the paces you run. You are more than the distances you can endure.”

“You are more than a cyclist. You are more than the power you can push. You are more than the speeds you can hit” (You get it right?)

Also sadly, we still live in an age where a contingent of people view exercise or movement or fitness as a ‘just’. It’s just a run. It’s just a cycle. It’s just a gym session. It’s just a game. It’s just something you do for aesthetics; to look ‘better’. It’s just something you do to ‘lose weight’. Sport and the impact it can have, can be minimised to a ‘just’ and yet it is so much more.

I went on a cycle with a friend 2 days ago. We’ve been calling our cycles ‘therapy rides’ the last few months. She is also going through a run-specific injury and she listened. She listened to my inner debate on the event and my ‘elf of false hope’ musings and she gave me this simple advice ‘If your body has a pain or a hurt, it is telling you something is not right’ You either choose to listen or you choose not to and face the consequences.

Sport can also be about connection. It can be about friendships, even when the sport is a solo endeavour. It can be about the camaraderie in facing challenges.

‘It’s not just a cycle’.

The choice to race or not was obvious from that first physio session, but the decision not to took another 7 days. Because I didn’t ‘have to’ do this event, I ‘wanted to’. Because I told myself I really ‘need’ to do something hard to regulate my brain and to fill my self-belief back. Because I’ve never posted a DNS (did not start) before. And because all those things feel really important to me. But not as important as being able to run again sooner. So I’ll sit tight, cycle and swim more often, listen to my body, respect the advice, get an MRI to get a full picture, and rehab the shit out of whatever this is.

But yes you’re right when you say ‘It’s just a race’. It is just one day and there will be plenty more opportunities. But you have to know that also, it is so much more than that. And that person might take 1 minute or even 7 days to make what seems like an obvious choice. But they’ll get there in the end. (And they’ll avoid social media on the day to avoid the race stories and posts and the FOMO) And yeah. ‘It’s just a race’.